Reflection

It has been quite awhile since I have dusted off my blog.  A lot of life has happened,  I was thinking the other day with the beginning of Lent, how I am not very good at sitting down and reflecting consistently.  I think and reflect, but it can be very fragmented and I get easily distracted by the noise of life.

Reflecting over the past several months, I am realizing that I’m feeling more connected with people after a season of feeling somewhat a drift.  Being part of a vibrant community has helped a lot and developing closer relationships with others has helped me to grow.  Relationships are good, but they can be noisy.

I pray that in this season of Lent, that I am able to sit and be still.  To listen and renew.  To take this time and be refreshed and reflect on my soul.

To Be More Disciplined…

I’ve chatted with several people about their New Years Resolutions, and the one thing that keeps coming it up is “I need to be more disciplined.“  Discipline is fantastic, but I find people, myself included, to try to be disciplined, fail miserably at it, then give up on it all together.

I was thinking the other morning, that instead of thinking about be generally disciplined, that working on specific disciplines would be a lot easier to handle, and giving yourself a lot of grace when you aren‘t.  For example, needing to keep a work area clean.  Instead of trying epically to do it all at once, taking a bit, by bit area to keep organized, and practicing that area.  Once you got one area down, go to the next one.

I can see that mindset being valuable in other areas of your life, such as finances.  Getting into the habit of writing down your expenses will make it easier to keep a budget and being disciplined about your money.  Or finding a Bible devotional tool so that you can keep track of your progress, and have the ability to do your devotions anywhere.  I downloaded a Bible app onto my smart phone, that way I can do my devotions on the bus in the morning, and it keeps track of what day I’m on in my reading so I can catch up.

I used to get so mad and frustrated at myself when I’ve failed at a particular discipline, that I had to retrain my thinking and response to myself.  I’ll stop and tell myself: “What’s the point of being angry with myself, it won’t do any good.”  Then I’ll think about what I need to do to make a better choice/decision for the next time.  It can be slow going, but I do see progress, and the discipline sticks better.

Becoming disciplined is a long road, but fortunately it’s not the end all of everything.  It’s only part of the process as we grow, and learning to have grace with ourselves when we do fail, helps us to have grace with others and understand the grace that God shows us.

Everything

This song by Tim Hughes, “Everything”, has been running through my mind a lot this past week since I had heard it at church last Sunday.  There have been a lot of engagement announcements and babies being born lately.  I’m so excited for them, but there is always that thought, that want, that desire, in the back of my mind that surfaces.  “Why not me?”  However, the line that keeps coming back to me in this song is “God in my hoping, There in my dreaming, God in my watching , God in my waiting”.  It reminds me how God is in everything, even in my hopes, dreams and waiting.  Providing a peace and comfort to my soul.

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EVERYTHING

by Tim Hughes

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Unfogging the Mind

The past couple of months have been busy and a lot of life has happened.  The biggest thing that has happened was that I was diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficient Disorder) and was placed on medication.  I’ve been doing a lot of processing, and making connections with my past.  I had always suspected that I may be ADD, but actually having an official diagnosis was really freeing.  It’s nice knowing that there can be answers to how and why my brain works the way it does.

I have struggled for years with a mind that would always go 100 miles an hour and bounce from thought to thought.  I love people, but would have a hard time going into large social situations because there would be so much stimulation, I would shut down, or start feeling agitated.  Staying focused, especially on mundane things, was an incredible challenge.  I would zone out in conversations, and not feel fully present or engaged.  My mind would start wandering, or I would be trying to focus on one aspect of the conversation, I would miss the big picture.  Instead of thinking through what I was saying, I would blurt out what was on my mind, and end up doing a lot of damage control.

When I was younger, the school had wanted me to be placed on medication for ADHD because when I would get bored in class, I would get up and wander around the classroom.  I was a socially awkward child (and still am sometimes), but a lot of it was attributed to the fact that I was “gifted” and really smart.  I ended up developing different coping mechanisms to control the symptoms.  For example, I try adhere to a schedule and always have a calendar on me because I would get distracted easily and forget things if I didn’t have reminders.  I write lists so I can keep track of stuff.   My Blackberry is my memory.

And because I was gifted, and a girl, ADD was never really brought up after the first suggestion by the school when I was younger.  I always wondered, but was encouraged by some friends to seek out help because the symptoms were inhibiting my relationships.  To figure out why I did the things I did.

Even though I have been on medication for about a month, it has been life-changing.  I never knew that my mind could stay in one place.  I’m able to stay focused, and I feel more engaged and present when I’m with my friends.  There still are things to work on, but being able to think clearly, I’ve been able to pinpoint things and make connections much easier.  I’m able to see the big picture better and have been enjoying my time with my friends more completely.

There are still things I am working on, but having a big piece of the puzzle figured out helps a lot.  I had been feeling like I had been running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere, and it’s been freeing to move forward.

August/September 2010 Thanksgiving List

A lot has happened the past couple of months, and I have let my blog remain idle while I processed a lot of things.  But there are quite a few things I am thankful for.

  1. Friends who want to see me get healthy
  2. Medications that work
  3. A strong network of support
  4. Upcoming vacations and visits
  5. Having insurance (and doctors willing to work with it)
  6. Sunshine
  7. Warm winter coats
  8. Getting regular sleep
  9. Friends with new babies and celebrations of new lives
  10. Laughter
  11. Rediscovering the joy of meeting new people
  12. Listening to people’s stories
  13. Prayer

 

The House by the Side of the Road

The House by the Side of the Road

Sam Walter Foss

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There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the peace of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
Let me live in a house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by;
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner’s seat,
Or hurl the cynic’s ban;
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
I see from my house by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears
Both parts of an infinite plan;
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by;
They are good, they are bad, they are weak,
They are strong,
Wise, foolish – so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner’s seat
Or hurl the cynic’s ban? –
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

“Crawl”

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Crawl

Superchic(k)

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How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don’t know what to do
I bend but don’t break
And somehow I’ll get through
’cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

And when I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot where you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me(2x’s)

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through