I was thinking the other morning, that instead of thinking about be generally disciplined, that working on specific disciplines would be a lot easier to handle, and giving yourself a lot of grace when you aren‘t.  For example, needing to keep a work area clean.  Instead of trying epically to do it all at once, taking a bit, by bit area to keep organized, and practicing that area.  Once you got one area down, go to the next one.

I can see that mindset being valuable in other areas of your life, such as finances.  Getting into the habit of writing down your expenses will make it easier to keep a budget and being disciplined about your money.  Or finding a Bible devotional tool so that you can keep track of your progress, and have the ability to do your devotions anywhere.  I downloaded a Bible app onto my smart phone, that way I can do my devotions on the bus in the morning, and it keeps track of what day I’m on in my reading so I can catch up.

I used to get so mad and frustrated at myself when I’ve failed at a particular discipline, that I had to retrain my thinking and response to myself.  I’ll stop and tell myself: “What’s the point of being angry with myself, it won’t do any good.”  Then I’ll think about what I need to do to make a better choice/decision for the next time.  It can be slow going, but I do see progress, and the discipline sticks better.

Becoming disciplined is a long road, but fortunately it’s not the end all of everything.  It’s only part of the process as we grow, and learning to have grace with ourselves when we do fail, helps us to have grace with others and understand the grace that God shows us.

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EVERYTHING

by Tim Hughes

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

I have struggled for years with a mind that would always go 100 miles an hour and bounce from thought to thought.  I love people, but would have a hard time going into large social situations because there would be so much stimulation, I would shut down, or start feeling agitated.  Staying focused, especially on mundane things, was an incredible challenge.  I would zone out in conversations, and not feel fully present or engaged.  My mind would start wandering, or I would be trying to focus on one aspect of the conversation, I would miss the big picture.  Instead of thinking through what I was saying, I would blurt out what was on my mind, and end up doing a lot of damage control.

When I was younger, the school had wanted me to be placed on medication for ADHD because when I would get bored in class, I would get up and wander around the classroom.  I was a socially awkward child (and still am sometimes), but a lot of it was attributed to the fact that I was “gifted” and really smart.  I ended up developing different coping mechanisms to control the symptoms.  For example, I try adhere to a schedule and always have a calendar on me because I would get distracted easily and forget things if I didn’t have reminders.  I write lists so I can keep track of stuff.   My Blackberry is my memory.

And because I was gifted, and a girl, ADD was never really brought up after the first suggestion by the school when I was younger.  I always wondered, but was encouraged by some friends to seek out help because the symptoms were inhibiting my relationships.  To figure out why I did the things I did.

Even though I have been on medication for about a month, it has been life-changing.  I never knew that my mind could stay in one place.  I’m able to stay focused, and I feel more engaged and present when I’m with my friends.  There still are things to work on, but being able to think clearly, I’ve been able to pinpoint things and make connections much easier.  I’m able to see the big picture better and have been enjoying my time with my friends more completely.

There are still things I am working on, but having a big piece of the puzzle figured out helps a lot.  I had been feeling like I had been running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere, and it’s been freeing to move forward.

1. Friends who want to see me get healthy
2. Medications that work
3. A strong network of support
4. Upcoming vacations and visits
5. Having insurance (and doctors willing to work with it)
6. Sunshine
7. Warm winter coats
8. Getting regular sleep
9. Friends with new babies and celebrations of new lives
10. Laughter
11. Rediscovering the joy of meeting new people
12. Listening to people’s stories
13. Prayer

Sam Walter Foss

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There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the peace of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
Let me live in a house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by;
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner’s seat,
Or hurl the cynic’s ban;
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
I see from my house by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears
Both parts of an infinite plan;
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by;
They are good, they are bad, they are weak,
They are strong,
Wise, foolish – so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner’s seat
Or hurl the cynic’s ban? -
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

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Crawl

Superchic(k)

**

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don’t know what to do
I bend but don’t break
And somehow I’ll get through
’cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

And when I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot where you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me(2x’s)

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

On many occasions, I would plan out certain things in my life, and God would laugh and then promptly change them.  Looking back, I see how God changed things that were for the better.  Not getting into medical school, living in Wyoming longer so I could learn to grow deeper in relationships.  Moving me out to Seattle and getting plugged into a church and community group that has been incredibly supportive.

I’ve learned a lot being single and having the time to develop deep relationships.  Some days have been rough, with pain, confusion, and sadness.  Even with having a strong desire to be married, I know that I need to be healthier with myself and those around me.  Balancing and understanding my needs, yet not being so inwardly focused and having the ability to pour out the love and grace of God on those around me.

Then there are the innumerable mistakes I have made, trying to figure life out.  Poor relationship choices, not listening to God, not heeding the advice of wise friends and family.  Fortunately, I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes, even though some days I feel like I’ve failed miserably.  I ran across this quote the other day from one of my favorite bloggers, Jon Acuff, and it reminded me how my mistakes can be used to minister to other people:

“In God’s hands, your mistakes aren’t open cuts, they are healed scars that tell stories of hope other people need to hear.”

I’m still trying to figure out where I am going, but I know that God will be with me every step of the way.  I’m excited to move forward, but scared shitless of not knowing what will happen next.  Praying for grace and guidance as I proceed with this crazy adventure called life.

It really made me think about how flippantly that this phrase is used and thrown out.  When someone asks “How are you?” and doesn’t even wait for your answer, it comes across as a cheap greeting.  I always wonder whey they even bothered asking, when they obviously don’t care.

Then there is the generic response of “Fine”, “Good” or “Well”.  I totally admit I use those terms when I don’t want to share with someone how I’m really doing.  Most people are shocked and feel uncomfortable when they ask “How are you?” and someone gives them more than a one word answer.  When they are being actually honest with how they really are doing.

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It is Well with My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.